We’ve all experienced it. That self-doubt that creeps in just when we’ve hit our stride. “You can’t do it, you don’t have the support, nobody is listening, nobody is coming, your voice isn’t heard, your insert service/product here isn’t good enough, you’re wasting your time.” It plagues us all at some point in our life. Unfortunately, there are a great number of people who listen to it, give in to it, shape their life around it. I’m here to tell you not to, but also that it’s normal and even the strongest people fall victim.
I’m not above saying I’m damn strong. I’m not quite 30 years old and have been through more than most people have by the time they’re 60. I’ve persevered, of course through blood, sweat, and many, MANY tears and self healing, both with a support system and some on my own. But as strong as I am, I still come up against obstacles. As much healing as I’ve done and been taught how to truly co-create, I’m coming up against ego and reality. I’m here to share a more personal account than my previous posts, because that’s kinda what this is all for:even healers are human. Here’s what I’ve been going through recently, but have learned a great deal from.
For some back story for those who don’t know me, I have my BA and MFA in Photography. I’m an artist through and through (www.bethdevillierphoto.com) and was teaching at UTSA for the past year or so, part-time, while also pursuing my freelance work as a photographer, graphic designer, and filmmaker. Teaching, though, was my main source of income. Last December, I got word that due to MAJOR budget cuts (we won’t get into my frustration with the higher education system) I, along with like 13 other adjuncts, was being let go. I had just signed on for my first semester working full time (4 classes) in hopes of saving up to rent my own space to do energy work out of since I had just finished my studies at Austin Shamanic Center. WHAT A BLOW. But I just knew there was a reason why. After the initial shock, I began to grow excited for what Spring would bring. I thought surely I would be FLOODED with clients and quickly secured a spot where I was graciously sharing rent free. My first week I had 3 clients! I was SO excited and knew this is what I was meant to be doing.
The next month, my practice wasn’t so busy. “I have bills! I have so much debt from school, both art and Shamanic! Spirit, this is what you wanted me to do, WHY AREN’T YOU SUPPORTING ME?!?!” I fell into a slippery slope of borderline depression and so much self doubt, questioning if this is the right path. For the past month or so I have struggled daily, mentally and emotionally, because of this. I have meditated my ass off every morning and used all of the manifestation tools given to me, focusing on the gratitude rather than the desperation, and still am not seeing the interest I would like to. Not even a line dropped curious as to what Shamanism is about, Instagram follows trickling in, FaceBook page likes few and far between when I want to be a strong and present voice that guides people toward this beautiful realm of energy work. It’s far from about just money, it’s about spreading the awareness and empowering people to heal and grow. But, being human and having monetary needs like a roof over my head and food in my stomach, there was that, too. Granted, I never ran out of money. But as humans we fixate on planning and worrying about the future. We constantly say, “Ok, I know I have this now, but what about next month? If I’m not successful now, will I ever be? I have to give up and find something else.” There lies the problem and lesson.
As I said before, I do a lot of self work. Like, A LOT. I meditate every morning, sometimes at night when I can, and do ceremony for each full and new moon, all in search of guidance and inner knowing. And this week I have snapped out of it. I came to the realization of what it truly means to have faith. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s an ancient concept for a reason. Faith isn’t just about a hope to hold onto. It’s real. It’s about trusting that you will be supported. Where the hard part of faith comes in is being open minded. You’re answer won’t always come as you hope or think it will. It’s about blind trust in whatever higher power you believe in. You know how I know? Because once I snapped out of it and assessed my situation, I realized how many opportunities were coming my way. Last month I shot a wedding. This month I shot and will design a movie poster for a local production company putting out a short film. I’m also DIT for a short film production with the same production company. None of this has anything to do with my energy medicine practice, but I believe and trust that there’s a reason I’m not being slammed with clients and emails yet. I strongly believe that I will begin to shift into my practice more and more as I shift myself. My outlook and emotions have lifted since I came out of it, and it took staying true to my path and my practice no matter how rocky the road got. I reached out to good ol’ Hummingbird for that resilience and called upon my guides to show me what was going on, and that they did.
Think about the seasons. Have you ever seen that time lapse of the Earth through the seasons that shows she breathes? I had a revelation during meditation yesterday. I feel like I’ve been working so hard toward this goal, I’ve been at the top of a breath, holding it, but that breath can only be held for so long before it’s time to exhale, and a fresh breath can only be taken through an exhale. Now is my exhale period, and I encourage you in all situations to evaluate when it’s time for your’s. Acknowledge it, honor it, and by all means, never lose faith in your highest destiny.