That Rocky Road, Though

lakehouse (1 of 1)

We’ve all experienced it. That self-doubt that creeps in just when we’ve hit our stride. “You can’t do it, you don’t have the support, nobody is listening, nobody is coming, your voice isn’t heard, your insert service/product here isn’t good enough, you’re wasting your time.” It plagues us all at some point in our life. Unfortunately, there are a great number of people who listen to it, give in to it, shape their life around it. I’m here to tell you not to, but also that it’s normal and even the strongest people fall victim.

I’m not above saying I’m damn strong. I’m not quite 30 years old and have been through more than most people have by the time they’re 60. I’ve persevered, of course through blood, sweat, and many, MANY tears and self healing, both with a support system and some on my own. But as strong as I am, I still come up against obstacles. As much healing as I’ve done and been taught how to truly co-create, I’m coming up against ego and reality. I’m here to share a more personal account than my previous posts, because that’s kinda what this is all for:even healers are human. Here’s what I’ve been going through recently, but have learned a great deal from.

For some back story for those who don’t know me, I have my BA and MFA in Photography. I’m an artist through and through (www.bethdevillierphoto.com) and was teaching at UTSA for the past year or so, part-time, while also pursuing my freelance work as a photographer, graphic designer, and filmmaker. Teaching, though, was my main source of income. Last December, I got word that due to MAJOR budget cuts (we won’t get into my frustration with the higher education system) I, along with like 13 other adjuncts, was being let go. I had just signed on for my first semester working full time (4 classes) in hopes of saving up to rent my own space to do energy work out of since I had just finished my studies at Austin Shamanic Center. WHAT A BLOW. But I just knew there was a reason why. After the initial shock, I began to grow excited for what Spring would bring. I thought surely I would be FLOODED with clients and quickly secured a spot where I was graciously sharing rent free. My first week I had 3 clients! I was SO excited and knew this is what I was meant to be doing.

The next month, my practice wasn’t so busy. “I have bills! I have so much debt from school, both art and Shamanic! Spirit, this is what you wanted me to do, WHY AREN’T YOU SUPPORTING ME?!?!” I fell into a slippery slope of borderline depression and so much self doubt, questioning if this is the right path. For the past month or so I have struggled daily, mentally and emotionally, because of this. I have meditated my ass off every morning and used all of the manifestation tools given to me, focusing on the gratitude rather than the desperation, and still am not seeing the interest I would like to. Not even a line dropped curious as to what Shamanism is about, Instagram follows trickling in, FaceBook page likes few and far between when I want to be a strong and present voice that guides people toward this beautiful realm of energy work. It’s far from about just money, it’s about spreading the awareness and empowering people to heal and grow. But, being human and having monetary needs like a roof over my head and food in my stomach, there was that, too.  Granted, I never ran out of money. But as humans we fixate on planning and worrying about the future. We constantly say, “Ok, I know I have this now, but what about next month? If I’m not successful now, will I ever be? I have to give up and find something else.” There lies the problem and lesson.

As I said before, I do a lot of self work. Like, A LOT. I meditate every morning, sometimes at night when I can, and do ceremony for each full and new moon, all in search of guidance and inner knowing. And this week I have snapped out of it. I came to the realization of what it truly means to have faith. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s an ancient concept for a reason. Faith isn’t just about a hope to hold onto. It’s real. It’s about trusting that you will be supported. Where the hard part of faith comes in is being open minded. You’re answer won’t always come as you hope or think it will. It’s about blind trust in whatever higher power you believe in. You know how I know? Because once I snapped out of it and assessed my situation, I realized how many opportunities were coming my way. Last month I shot a wedding. This month I shot and will design a movie poster for a local production company putting out a short film. I’m also DIT for a short film production with the same production company. None of this has anything to do with my energy medicine practice, but I believe and trust that there’s a reason I’m not being slammed with clients and emails yet. I strongly believe that I will begin to shift into my practice more and more as I shift myself. My outlook and emotions have lifted since I came out of it, and it took staying true to my path and my practice no matter how rocky the road got. I reached out to good ol’ Hummingbird for that resilience and called upon my guides to show me what was going on, and that they did.

Think about the seasons. Have you ever seen that time lapse of the Earth through the seasons that shows she breathes? I had a revelation during meditation yesterday. I feel like I’ve been working so hard toward this goal, I’ve been at the top of a breath, holding it, but that breath can only be held for so long before it’s time to exhale, and a fresh breath can only be taken through an exhale. Now is my exhale period, and I encourage you in all situations to evaluate when it’s time for your’s. Acknowledge it, honor it, and by all means, never lose faith in your highest destiny.

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Creating from Within

mesa-meditation

SO many people meditate, which is fantastically superb. Meditation can help with many things such as anxiety, depression, stress, etc. There are also many who use meditation as a form of prayer, asking Spirit/God/the Divine to send blessings and specific things they are trying to bring into their lives.

I have done this for years. You know how it goes, usually sounding something like, “I ask that you send abundance and health to my life.” Well the past couple of years, while training at the Austin Shamanic Center, I gained a great tool that has amplified my vibrations and taken me out of a place of ‘begging’ if you will. Honestly, that’s what it would feel like to me!

I’ll start with a story from my teacher (I will try to remember it as close as possible, but the main message is definitely in there). There was a great drought in Peru. The people were suffering, the crops were dying, and something had to be done. A shaman sat in a hut for 3 days, when finally it started raining.When the Shaman came out, the people asked if it was from praying for rain, and Shaman responded, “No, I did not pray FOR rain. I PRAYED RAIN.”

I’ll be quite frank. It took me a while to wrap my brain around this one. What does it mean to pray rain? I will now offer any words to make this make sense, but will tell you that like me, it will take practice to get this one.

Essentially what the Shaman was doing was raising his vibrations to the frequency of having rain rather than simply asking Spirit, “Hey, can you please bring rain?” By adjusting his/her frequency (or vibes) they were able to receive more easily. There is a similar story I was once told where instead praying for rain, the Hopi sit and visualize themselves covered in mud (because you can’t have mud without rain).

This is the premise I’ve been working with in my own personal meditation, and I am astonished at the progress I’ve made on my own personal journey as well as a more communal one.

Those who know me well know I swear by starting my day with at least sitting down with my mesa for 15 minutes, usually more, to ground down and feel that connection to Source. It gives me a great base to start my day with, putting me in a place of centeredness as well as gratitude. Best of all, it reminds me of my connection and allows me to tap into that throughout the day. During my mediation, my goal is to go through and focus on what I’m trying to bring into my life and not simply ask for it, but feel it, emanate it, be thankful before I even get it. For example I pray success, I pray abundance, I pray stability. I visualize myself busy with clients and not worrying about bills. You will feel the difference, you will see the shift.

No matter what, I have been ending all of my meditations with gratitude. Not only for things I’ve received and the people who support me, but also for all those who didn’t, yet led/pushed me to the beautiful place I am. This alone has aided in healing deep wounds left from those who previously hurt me greatly.

I will leave you with this: Spirit does not honor what is not in ayni, or right relationship. This is all work toward a goal. We don’t always get what we want because we don’t know the bigger picture. Be patient with your practice. Get to know yourself and your relationship with Spirit while doing this-you may even see your wants/needs shift! There is no magical way to manifest a million dollars over night. But if you start practicing in this way, you will see Spirit support you in ways you couldn’t imagine, and sometimes in ways you weren’t expecting.

Feel free to share your own stories if you try this-I would love to hear about it! Also, I would be happy to elaborate if any of this isn’t clear. Just drop a line in the comments!

Much Munay,

Beth